Leaving Egypt

The Israelites had to leave Egypt (the place of bondage) before they could inherit the Promised Land.  Likewise, we have to leave behind what binds us before we can live free.  If we want to enjoy good relationships, we must first leave unhealthy ones behind.

 

Why do so many men and women stay in abusive relationships (physically, sexually or emotionally)?  

Our culture tends to diminish and ignore abuse, to sweep it under the rug and pretend like it's a unicorn - a mythical thing that happens to 'other' people, but not me.  Since our culture over-sensationalizes even the most trivial of pursuits, if there is such a thing as real abuse, it's probably not as bad as someone makes it out to be.  And certainly, it doesn't impact anyone I know personally.  Because the people I know are too smart, or too strong, or they would never get into a situation like that.  And if they did, then they would certainly kick the perpetrator’s butt!  Right...?

I laugh now, because I actually used to think and talk like that.  Until it happened to me.  Now I consider it part of my calling in life to show you what I could not see.       

If you’ve been browbeaten emotionally or hurt repeatedly by a person or group of people, part of you may really want to leave and get away from the abuse, but what holds you back?  This list is not exhaustive, but here are a few common lies that keep us captive and some Truth that will set you free:

#1        Denial:  “It’s really not so bad.”

Many ‘victims’ of abuse don’t leave because they think, “it really isn’t that bad” – or at least not bad enough to justify leaving.  From my own experience, I didn't even recognize the abuse I was in (or to what degree) until I was in too deep, and even then I was unwilling to admit that I was a 'victim' of violence.  No strong, independent person wants to acknowledge that they've been duped.  It's much easier to think, "I'm in control of this situation."  Sometimes people don’t leave because they never acknowledge the abuse, or its degree.  This is called denial.  The Truth is: if we want to live free, then we must not deny or diminish the reality of the abuse, but we must deny people the right to abuse us.

#2        It’s unloving to leave / I can rescue him or her

            If you’re unfortunate enough to have heard this one in Christian circles, I apologize to you on behalf of all that is Good and Holy.  The thought that “it’s unloving to leave” is a corollary to the Savior complex that whispers, “You can rescue them.”  The Truth is: sometimes walking in Love means walking away.  Only One is mighty to save and that ain’t you!  Love does not tolerate abuse: Love sacrificed all to put an end to abuse.  (John 3:16).  God is not an abusive Father.  He never has us suffer abuse.  God doesn't tempt man.  (James 1:13).  Rather, He makes a way of escape out of every situation.  (1 Corinthians 10:13).  When God Almighty gives you a way of escape, you better take it!  You'd be a FOOL not to take it.  If you find it hard to leave, as I did, then maybe that's an indicator that you care more about what people think than what God says.  I know!  That's a tough statement.  But once I meditated and got the revelation of "cursed is the man who trusts in man…but blessed is he whose trust is in the Lord" (Jeremiah 17:5-7), I broke free from my abuser.  Those first steps toward freedom hurt!  But, gosh, am I glad that I am free today.  You know, I never look back on those years nostalgically and think, "Man, if only I'd stayed in that abusive relationship..."  No!  I think, "Praise God, Almighty, I'm free at last!!!"  If I ever do look back, I don't see pain.  I see deliverance!  I see a faithful God who gave me a way of escape, who gave me strength when I had none.  I see a victory in the rearview mirror.  Thanks be to God, who always causes me to triumph through Christ!  

#3        It’s safer not to rock the boat.  If I leave, I’ll really get hurt!

When an abuser's power and control is threatened, people who have been hurt by the abuse are well aware of the consequences.  Leaving could mean death, serious injury, or in cases of emotional abuse, rejection, social ostracism, or loss of friends.  That is no light penalty, but FREEDOM is better than bondage any day of the week!!!  Don’t let that lying enemy con you into believing that it’s better to stay in an abusive relationship than to leave.  The Truth is:  You don't hurt more when you leave.  When you leave, you realize the hurt you were in.  That is not to say leaving is easy.  It’s not.  It takes great courage and it defies every emotion you have that screams at you to stay in your chains.  But it is the most freeing thing in life when you take that first step toward freedom, even though it hurts so badly.  Freedom is worth it.  

#4        If I leave, I’ll lose my relationship or my friends

I can't speak for men on this issue, but women are taught to reconcile.  Women who leave and don't reconcile are often labeled with a derogatory word that rhymes with "snitch."  And no one wants that label.  Women who stay are labeled as "weak" or stupid.  So it’s a lose-lose scenario if you’re measuring your progress by what an abuser will think of you.  This just in: the abuser hates you anyway!  Abusive people don’t care what you think, so why are you listening to them? 

Ah, but there’s the rub, right? 

Abusers don’t walk around with a scarlet “A” on them, do they?  We don’t label the people in our lives as ‘abusers.’  We call them our ‘friends,’ relatives, acquaintances, co-workers, and strangers.  Abusers most often are not strangers, but people with whom we’ve built relationships or people we’ve known all our lives.  Consequently, it’s easy to diminish or excuse the abuse.  But listen to your heart.  Imagine the same thing happening to you was happening to a young person you love dearly, like a son or daughter, niece or nephew.  Would you tolerate someone treating your young relative like that?  If not, maybe that’s an indicator that you need to get out of that situation.

This does not just apply to romantic relationships. 

For those of you in friendships where someone belittles you or continually makes you feel bad, I have a newsflash for you: those people are not your friends!  A dear friend told me years ago:  “If you want to fly with the eagles, don't hang with the turkeys!”  I love that.  If you’re tired of playing in the sandbox with gossipers and backbiters, find some grown-up friends with whom you share mutual respect and who will build you up, rather than tear you down.  "Oh, but what if I lose a friend?!" you say.  May I ask you: is it worth it?  Gossipers and backbiters are not your friends!  Ha, I know that sounds so simple, but it's quite a profound revelation.  We're comfortable with who we know.  But if I care more about how people perceive me than what God says about a situation, then it's due time to reevaluate the relationships in my life. 

“But what will they say when I’m gone?”    

They talked about you while you were there.  They'll talk about you when you're gone.  But, praise God, at least they have something to talk about!  People are going to say and do what they say and do.  Ain't nothing you can do about that.  What we have to do, is respect (prefer) God, not man.  But we like people to like us, don't we?  My friend, consider this:  the Israelites were around and bound in Egypt for YEARS.  Do you honestly think the Israelites, dragging around in their chains, had a relationship with the Egyptians?  Were they on an equal footing?  Absolutely not!  That's not a relationship: that's an abuse of power.  Let's bring it on home:  Do you think American slaves had a "relationship" with their masters?  Um...not a relationship that I'd want to be a part of!  If it's abusive, it is NOT a relationship.  You can wiggle around it, deny it, and you can dance like a worm on a pin, but it doesn't change the reality. 

If you jump into a snake pit, you’re going to get bit.  If you keep jumping into a snake pit, you’re going to get bitten some more.  I need to speak plainly to you, because philosophizing and pontificating about this stuff has kept people in some dangerous situations.  And too many people are getting hurt.  There is a way out.  You need to know that resident within you is the power to break free and that power is released as lightning fast as your ability to make a decision.

Child of God, don't ratify people's abusive conduct by suffering silently through the abuse.  Stand up in the power of God and say something or leave.  You can’t stand for Truth and remain in a lie, because the Truth will make you FREE.